Hurting heart and broken wings...

"...Cannot stop Your love from finding me...My strength alone will never be enough, but Your arms keep lifting me up."

Let me start from the beginning.  We're adopting!  Still!  We were officially approved last July.  We were matched with a birth mom in October.  It fell through in December.  We were selected by a new birth mom in early March.  She was due with a baby girl, today, June 26.  After 3 1/2 months of being excited about the thought of finally having another baby, we got the call yesterday, late afternoon, that our birth mom had changed her mind.  She was scheduled to be induced at 12:00 AM.  There were absolutely NO red flags--no warnings.  She said all the right things.  All the time.  So, maybe that was a big red flashing red light that we "ignored?"  Who knows.  I am sad, confused, angry, frustrated, all over again.  Why would God let this happen again? 

Well, it took a very hot humid horrible 2 mile run to clear my head.  I felt a little guilty, but honestly not too much.  I specifically remember reading about people doing it in the Bible--not saying it's the right thing to do--but my thought was "oh well."  While I was running, out of all the songs that are on my shuffle (variety of country, hip hop, christian, classic rock, pop), I asked the question: "Are we on the right road?  Are we suppose to continue to be patient and pursue adoption?  A christian song came on, didn't think much about it.  Right after a 2nd christian song came on....began to play my little game with God.  "I need a sign.  Desperately.  If you want me to keep being patient, play me another christian song, to make 3 christian songs in a row."  The Fray played next, "Heartbeat."  Your probably thinking what I'm thinking.  Air One plays this song, but so does the "popular" station.  BUT Air One plays it, so I'm going with it.  Now, this is silly, I know.  Is that the sign that gives me all the answers?  No.  But it did make me smile.  God does have a sense of humor, doesn't He?  I think so.

While I was running, my thoughts started to become clear.  Who do I think I am that I deserve to be happy all the time?  God didn't put me on this earth to "be happy."  He created me to praise Him.  To bring Him glory.  To shine a light to hopefully encourage others to follow Him.  Does that mean that he doesn't want me to be happy?  NO!  Of course not!  But is that my purpose here?  NO!  Of course not!  

I try to find at least one thing to be thankful for no matter if the situation goes the way I want it to or doesn't.  So, here it is.  A while back, and not just on one occasion, I've prayed for a way to witness to others.  God gave it to me.  If we wouldn't have struggled with fertility, if we weren't currently still struggling with trying to get a baby that we want so desperately bad, now in the adoption world, would I have shared my faith?  Honestly, probably not.  I still want that baby just as much as I always have.  I'm not ready to give up, yet.  And if my struggles, my story, has created one more believer, caused one more person to strengthen their faith, then this is all worth it.  My purpose in this life as a believer, is to bring others with me to Heaven.  My family, my friends, my acquaintances, strangers.  Please don't shower me with praise for being faithful.  Give God the Glory.  He is the reason I am sharing my story and not curled up in a ball in the fetal position on the floor.  

After my two miles, I decided to torture myself a little more and walk 2 miles in the heat.  On my last mile back, about 1/2 mile to go, the song came on "Free" by Dara Maclean.  Thank you, God, for continuing to show me love and give me hope when I need it the most...through loving family and friends (phone calls, texts, messages, flowers)...and a "random" song on my shuffle.

"Hurting heart and broken wings

Cannot stop Your love from always finding me

No more days wasting away

I finally realize the gift inside me

My strength alone will never be enough

But Your arms keep lifting me up

You tell me I've been made free

You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams

You whisper words that free my soul

You're the reason I have hope

You're everything I need and more

You made me

You made me free" 

Half Way There

....well, close anyway!  Thank you so incredibly much if you have already purchased a puzzle piece or pieces!  If you have not and would like to, please send me an email at lrobertson614@hotmail.com, and I'll get you our address!

If you haven't heard or seen by now, we were on the news!  To make a long story short, News 9 contacted us and wanted to run a story about our OU Tickets that we were auctioning off for our Adoption.  They emailed on Wednesday, but we were out of town.  They called on Thursday at 10:00 AM and were at our house by 11:30 AM to film.  You can check it out here if you missed it. ALSO, a very nice man that Chad works with gave us his tickets to the first home game, so we are going for FREE! 

We are still doing our best to be patient.  My new favorite verse that I recite more than I can count throughout the day comes from Psalm 37:7: "Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for him to act."

We continue to be amazed by the love shown to us through encouraging words and sweet support, so if I haven't worn it out already,   

THANK YOU!!!

Beyond Blessed

"Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." --Jesus, Matthew 5:48

Oh, how we have seen this verse lived out by the people that surround us, and it just makes my heart so unbelievable happy.

I have to write this quick post because I am beyond BLESSED with the most loving family and friends. Of course, I knew this before, but God has continued to show me just how wonderful the people are that he has placed in my life. Since Chad, Chalin, and I began sharing our Adoption Journey:

*I have had Scentsy orders placed just to assist with our Adoption costs--from friends, family, and friends/family of our friends and family!
*We have had friends and family share our story with others they know through blogging, emails, Facebook, etc.
*I've had a friend offer to donate a % of what she sells with HER business to us.
*I've had loving, supportive, encouraging emails, messages and phone conversations from anyone and everyone, including people that are going through or have gone through the same thing.
*I've had a friend offer to design things for us for FREE to help with fundraisers.
*I've had friends and family offer to help in anyway possible, whether it be making something for us to raise money (knitting, quilting), offering their awesome photography skills, or just giving us items that could possibly raise money for us.

I hope all of you know how TRULY special each and everyone of you are to us. I hope we can someday show you how much we really appreciate ALL of your ongoing love and support as we continue our Adoption journey.

*Side Note: Chad and I are currently working on some more fundraiser ideas with our friends and family, so keep a look out on our blog for more information coming soon!

Current Fundraisers:
1. OU SEASON FOOTBALL TICKETS!
2. Purchase from my Scentsy website!

Psalm 37:7

I have been putting off writing this blog post, waiting for the "perfect" time, and I can't be patient any longer.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."
~Psalm 139:23

As most of you know, adoption has been on my mind for a while now. Chad and I have been trying to give sweet Chalin a baby brother/sister for about 2 years. Adoption was always at the back of my mind, you know as a "back-up plan." I did not think I would ever need to use this plan, but it's always good to be over-prepared, right?

When Chad and I found out that our chances at having another biological child were slim to none a few months ago, I had a ton of emotions which I have already shared in a previous blog post, but mostly of anger. God knew how much we wanted more children--how could He let this happen? I always like having a plan, and now "my plan" was ripped to shreds.

"When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
~Psalm 94:19

I began a yearly Bible challenge back in January (yes, a New Year's Resolution that I actually planned on keeping!). I spent every day (and continue to) reading God's Word. I have always been a "prayer", praying not just at night but throughout the day, sending up quick prayers mainly of thanksgiving or "Please help me!" But after all that we were going through, I began spending more time on my prayers, not rushing and really pouring out my heart to God. I also began praying every night with Chalin before he goes to sleep and encouraging him to pray before our meals. I was beginning to feel this extreme closeness with God, and I wanted to share that.

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act."

~Psalm 37:7

As I have stated in my last blog post, too, I became very aware of adoption "signs." Still prior to this, I was no longer angry, but this close relationship with God had given me a certain peace, that I know only He can provide. I continued to pray the prayer of contentment, every day, throughout the day....however, every where I turned and no matter how much I prayed to be content, I was hearing/seeing/thinking about adoption. Adoption consumed my thoughts when I went to bed. I woke up with adoption consuming my thoughts.

I had told Chad that I wanted to know our "plan" by December, but I just couldn't wait any longer. I brought up the topic one night, and shared everything and more that I have shared on this blog. I would have to say that that "talk" ranks right up there at the top with one of the best and most meaningful conversations that we have had in all the time that we have been together. I felt that God was right there holding our hand, guiding us. To make a long story short (which we all know I'm not very good at), Chad said, "You are MY sign. What's our next step and how quickly can we get started?!"

"Light shines in the darkness for the godly."
~Psalm 112:4

I called Deaconess Pregnancy and Adoption Services on a Friday (2 days after Chad and I talked) after talking to a dear friend who recommended a few different places to check out. We found out that this agency offered 3 seminars throughout the year, and you are required to attend one of these. The next session was ONE WEEK away--after that, I believe we would have to wait until November. I was told that there was still room for the upcoming session as long as I could get our application filled out and turned in, along with a preacher/church member reference. Chad printed off the pre-application and brought it home Friday. We filled everything out, and Chalin and I turned it in Monday afternoon.

We attended the Adoption Seminar this past weekend, and learned so much. We were sure about our plans going in, but after the seminar, we felt even more sure and not just at peace, but extremely excited about our son/daugther that God has (is) prepared(ing) for us.

Isn't it AMAZING how God can change your heart if you just allow Him to take control? I can't even begin to tell you how we CANNOT WAIT to meet our sweet baby. Chalin is SUPER excited too, and talks about it daily.

We hope to turn in our next round of paperwork Monday. After that we will begin setting up our individual interviews and home study. AFTER that, our profile will be made available for birth families to view and pick if they choose. We are going to do our best to be patient as God works His plan. We could have our 2nd child in 3 months (or LESS) or it could take many many MANY months.

Ways YOU can help:

1. Please pray for our sweet baby and his/her birth mother--that they stay safe and healthy and that God works on the birth mother's heart, allowing her to feel at peace with her self-less decision to allow another family to raise her child.

2. Please pray for us to be patient and trusting in God's PERFECT plan.

3. As you probably know, the process of Adoption is expensive. If you need Scentsy, you know where to find me :) The money I receive from all of my Scentsy orders will be going into a special account that we will use just for this special purpose.
*I am currently in the process of thinking of other ways and items to raise money, so stay tuned!

God KNOWS

How many of you have your life planned out? You know you'll always live in the same house or at least the same area. You know you'll always go to the same church because it's the best church there is with the the sweetest people possible. You know you'll have 2 or more kiddos running around the house because your sweet boy or girl has to have a sibling to play with....

"I know, Lord, that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our own course."
~Jeremiah 10:23

Let me just tell you that I had my life pretty much planned out perfectly. As most of you know, we used to live in Norman. Loved it. Had many thoughts about growing old in Norman, already had some elementary schools picked out for Chalin, imagined ourselves being that little old couple going to all the OU games and saying we've lived in Norman for 30+ years.....

We loved our Church in Norman, Alameda Church of Christ. Rusty Tugman is an awesome preacher. Bill Pink is an amazing worship leader. We had built many wonderful friendships and grew closer to God than we have ever been in that Church....

Well, let me tell you something you already know: Chad got a new job, and we relocated to Edmond. I was SO against moving out of Norman--I LOVED Norman. Norman was my home for over 7 years. I went to college there, had my first "home away from home" there, began the process of learning how to be a good wife there, got my first big girl job there, began the process of learning how to be a good mommy there....however, this new job & location change had it's positives--more money and being much closer to Chad, meaning he could actually make it home before dark, we can even meet him for lunch without it taking close to 2 hours in the car--which let me tell you something else you already know: that much time in a car with a toddler is NOT fun. For anyone. I didn't think I would like Edmond, and if I did, I knew it would take me a long time to adjust. God knew that it actually would only take me a few short months. He also made the process a TON easier by having one of my best friends in the whole wide world move about 3 miles away. The same month we moved. How awesome is that?

This new location meant a change of church, which I was TOTALLY not okay with in the beginning. I also knew that it would be impossible to make Edmond our true home without finding a new church we could call home. It took a couple of months, but we found it. It's HUGE. But we LOVE it. I never thought we could find another church we loved as much, but God showed us He can.

I knew I would have more than one child. I've known that since I was a little girl. Too make this long story a little shorter than it could be, I'll spare you all the details. I will tell you that for one reason or another, Chad and I have not been blessed with another child. It is not likely that it will happen unless there is a miracle. When we received this news, I was....well, words can't really describe it. Sad. Devastated. Mad. Angry. Confused. Shocked. I remember a day or two after the appointment, I began "bargaining" with God because we all know that works (ha!).... I heard this certain bird start making the most unusual sound that I hadn't heard before while Chalin and I were outside. I remember silently talking to God, "If this bird continues to do this sound for 10 more times, God, I know you will give me a baby no matter what that doctor said..." I stopped counting at 15. I was sooooo ANGRY. Why couldn't God give me that one sign? He knows how much I want another baby. He knows how much I rely on signs. He knows what an awesome big brother Chalin would be.

That Wednesday night at church, we were handed a piece of paper and told not to look at it. We were told that each of us had a life changing event/challenge on our card and when we were given the cue, we would turn it over and relate that situation to Jesus in the Bible. Here was the card I got:After class, I went up to the teacher and asked how many "challenges" he had handed out. There were anywhere from 35-40 people in the class with around 15 different "challenges" passed out. Coincidence that I received this card? I know it wasn't.

"...for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have...For I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me."
~Philippians 4:11&13

You think God not only knows but cares enough about my silly "need" for signs? God's been hearing me all along...His plan might not be the same as mine, but I do know His plan is perfect.

I do not know what this means for my family and me. I do know since I moved here, people have continually been put in my life who are going through or have gone through a similar situation. We have encountered many people who are going through the process of adoption.

Just last weekend, I attended a Scentsy conference where all the raffle money was being collected and going to a certain non-profit organization. I debated for a while about going because that weekend was just too busy, but at the last minute, I registered and went. Guess which organization they chose out of all the possible options? Anna's House Foundation. Look it up. Not only did they share a very touching video, but a woman also got up to speak about her personal connection to this organization. Is it another sign from God? You know, I don't know. But I do know I will be praying very heavily about this situation over the next several months. I do know God will lead my family and me in the right direction. I do know that we have many loving family and friends that will be praying for us and will be nothing but supportive no matter what road God leads us down--whether it is a road meant for our family of 3 or a road meant for our family of 3 and more . Until then, I will continue to be forever thankful for the 2 boys that he has blessed me with already.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
~Jeremiah 29:11