Hurting heart and broken wings...

"...Cannot stop Your love from finding me...My strength alone will never be enough, but Your arms keep lifting me up."

Let me start from the beginning.  We're adopting!  Still!  We were officially approved last July.  We were matched with a birth mom in October.  It fell through in December.  We were selected by a new birth mom in early March.  She was due with a baby girl, today, June 26.  After 3 1/2 months of being excited about the thought of finally having another baby, we got the call yesterday, late afternoon, that our birth mom had changed her mind.  She was scheduled to be induced at 12:00 AM.  There were absolutely NO red flags--no warnings.  She said all the right things.  All the time.  So, maybe that was a big red flashing red light that we "ignored?"  Who knows.  I am sad, confused, angry, frustrated, all over again.  Why would God let this happen again? 

Well, it took a very hot humid horrible 2 mile run to clear my head.  I felt a little guilty, but honestly not too much.  I specifically remember reading about people doing it in the Bible--not saying it's the right thing to do--but my thought was "oh well."  While I was running, out of all the songs that are on my shuffle (variety of country, hip hop, christian, classic rock, pop), I asked the question: "Are we on the right road?  Are we suppose to continue to be patient and pursue adoption?  A christian song came on, didn't think much about it.  Right after a 2nd christian song came on....began to play my little game with God.  "I need a sign.  Desperately.  If you want me to keep being patient, play me another christian song, to make 3 christian songs in a row."  The Fray played next, "Heartbeat."  Your probably thinking what I'm thinking.  Air One plays this song, but so does the "popular" station.  BUT Air One plays it, so I'm going with it.  Now, this is silly, I know.  Is that the sign that gives me all the answers?  No.  But it did make me smile.  God does have a sense of humor, doesn't He?  I think so.

While I was running, my thoughts started to become clear.  Who do I think I am that I deserve to be happy all the time?  God didn't put me on this earth to "be happy."  He created me to praise Him.  To bring Him glory.  To shine a light to hopefully encourage others to follow Him.  Does that mean that he doesn't want me to be happy?  NO!  Of course not!  But is that my purpose here?  NO!  Of course not!  

I try to find at least one thing to be thankful for no matter if the situation goes the way I want it to or doesn't.  So, here it is.  A while back, and not just on one occasion, I've prayed for a way to witness to others.  God gave it to me.  If we wouldn't have struggled with fertility, if we weren't currently still struggling with trying to get a baby that we want so desperately bad, now in the adoption world, would I have shared my faith?  Honestly, probably not.  I still want that baby just as much as I always have.  I'm not ready to give up, yet.  And if my struggles, my story, has created one more believer, caused one more person to strengthen their faith, then this is all worth it.  My purpose in this life as a believer, is to bring others with me to Heaven.  My family, my friends, my acquaintances, strangers.  Please don't shower me with praise for being faithful.  Give God the Glory.  He is the reason I am sharing my story and not curled up in a ball in the fetal position on the floor.  

After my two miles, I decided to torture myself a little more and walk 2 miles in the heat.  On my last mile back, about 1/2 mile to go, the song came on "Free" by Dara Maclean.  Thank you, God, for continuing to show me love and give me hope when I need it the most...through loving family and friends (phone calls, texts, messages, flowers)...and a "random" song on my shuffle.

"Hurting heart and broken wings

Cannot stop Your love from always finding me

No more days wasting away

I finally realize the gift inside me

My strength alone will never be enough

But Your arms keep lifting me up

You tell me I've been made free

You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams

You whisper words that free my soul

You're the reason I have hope

You're everything I need and more

You made me

You made me free"